Monday, April 25, 2011

The thoughts racing in my head

Last night on my two and a half hour drive back from Madison, I had a lot going on in my mind. I really was upset about work (what's new), I was thinking about all the things I have to do this week, and most importantly I was thinking about shopping to stock up my cabinets for new food items. I then realized as I got a little closer to Chicago, that I honestly had not eaten much. We got some breakfast pre-meal, and I just didn't really eat anything after that. I just wasn't that hungry. Meh, whatever.

So by the time I hit the suburbs, I was really starting to get hungry, and guess what popped into my head? "Damn Gina, I want some chicken nuggets! OH! And a fish sandwich!"

Now of course, I tried to talk myself out of it, but in the end, I caved in. I got my Chicken Nuggets and my Fish Sandwich. I stuffed the fish into my face while I was driving the last 15 minutes to home. The nuggets I saved for when I got home. Damn that fish was good (damn you probably just gained a pound from eating it!).

Well, I came home and was pretty exhausted, so I got into bed, ate my chicken nuggets and started reading my copy of "Skinny Bitch" while stuffing my face full of McDonald's at 11:45 p.m.

Did you know that a good 98% of the clothes I have in my closet in various boxes and bags, I can not wear? Do you know how sad and unacceptable that is? It's terrible. It's a classic case of "holding onto your clothes because you are going to lose the weight to fit into them again" syndrome. No, no, no, no, no. This has to stop. Hell, I even have done some Goodwill shopping with my friend Kelly, and found something I liked, bought it and told myself "Oh you can just lose weight and be able to wear this". BULLSHIT. It's a lie that I will tell myself forever if I do not act now and change this.

I am going to be 30 in just shy of a month. I have never been thin at any point in my life. Chunky at best, but right now I feel like a cow. I admit, most people have a hard time guessing my weight, because of my height (it helps hide it) But, I don't want to have to hide it. I don't want to have anything to hide. There was a point in my life when I was about 30-40 pounds from the weight I want to be. How did I get to that point? A lot of reasons, and only  one I am proud of. I feel like I have been cheated out of a lot of things in life, because of my weight struggles. I remember one night at the end of a party during my raver days, a girl came up to me and told me that I have a really pretty face, but I could be a lot prettier if I just lost some weight. A total stranger!!!! Well, okay bitch, thanks?? She then proceeded to inform me that my outfit didn't match. Since when does it matter at a rave if your outfit doesn't match. Ugh, either way, that memory has been burned into my mind and will stay with me for a long time.

So where do I go from here? I need to face my fears. I need to admit to my problem(s). I am fully ready to confront this demon, to be humble enough to publicly admit my failures and my fears and do something about it. It's all part of this healing process.

I am ready.

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